Welcome to the City of Smog, where the angels are lost too. If you live here, you’ll know what I’m talking about and if you don’t, this is a handy guide for when you visit.
14. When someone says “Let’s do lunch”, they don’t actually mean “let’s do lunch”. We say that out here like people say “How you doing?”. LA is home to the flakiest people in the world. Period.
13. Los Angeles is a smorgasbord of hot girls: every race, color, and type you can imagine lives in LA. That being said, girls are still hotter in Miami and NYC. No contest.
12. The best spot to have a drink by the pool and talk to sexy girls is still the Roosevelt Hotel. I’ve lived on and off in LA for over six years and the Roosevelt never fails. If you visit, do yourself a favor and book your stay there. You won’t regret it.
11. It’s extremely easy to fuck with the TMZ tour buses when you’re driving beside them and pull up to a stop light. Drive a drop top, have nice shades on and act like you’re covering you face. The tourists go nuts trying to take photos of you, not knowing if they’re missing a ‘Star Sighting’. Hilarity for days.
10. The traffic is mind blowingly bad and will only get worse. Accept it, don’t bitch about it and if possible, learn to drive during non-peak hours. Day: 10am-3pm. Night: 8pm-6am.
9. Everyone is an actor. Well 99.9% of people in this city carry headshots with them, but have never actually done any work. I’ve even met cops and lawyers who bust out headshots. Is what it is.
8. The best place to eat after midnight isn’t Mel’s Diner on Sunset, it’s any of the numerous scattered taco trucks around LA. Cheap, tasty and you might just catch some sexy girls there too grabbing post-bar food.
7. If you don’t own a car or motorcycle you’re fucked. It’s that simple. Public transportation here is terribly unreliable. I rode the bus years ago for a few months and would get dropped off at one stop and another bus would never show up. Imagine getting dropped off in the ghetto of Los Angeles and walking out of that? Good times.
6. Girls are notoriously easy here. When I moved to LA, I imagined that girls would be difficult to bed, due to stories I had heard. Nope. If you have some game and you approach, you will get laid. There’s millions of people here, it’s not that hard.
5. People outside of the Valley make fun of the Valley. The irony is, some of the richest people I know live in the San Fernando valley. I lived there for a couple of years and enjoyed my stay. If you live there, hit up the Spittin’ Chicken on Ventura. Great spot to meet a sexy girl for drinks.
4. You will definitely see pornstars at CVS. (And you’ll probably fuck a girl who’s done porn, but who isn’t known). Not everyone is out here to be Jessica Alba, but instead to be Jenna Jameson.
3. The less you give a fuck about celebrities, the more they want to hang out with you. People in LA are so celeb-crazed, that when you’re chill and don’t treat them any different than a ‘normal’ person, then they eat it up. Then again, I know I’m a celeb deep down so maybe that’s why. Chuckles ensue.
2. You haven’t really partied in LA, until you’ve partied in a warehouse in South Central. When you’re not only worried about the cops busting the party up, but also about getting shot while at the party, well then you haven’t really lived.
1. The clubs, bars and lounges close at 2am and it’s the most retarded law in California and that’s saying a lot. I helped with some legislation a year ago to extend it until 4am, but unfortunately it didn’t pass.
The real secret to great LA nightlife? Having the afterparty hookups. That’s where you’ll end your night watching two naked girls do lines off each other’s ass while playing hide and seek with a giant dildo. Ah LA…
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