14 Cold Hard Facts About Living In Los Angeles

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Welcome to the City of Smog, where the angels are lost too. If you live here, you’ll know what I’m talking about and if you don’t, this is a handy guide for when you visit.

14. When someone says “Let’s do lunch”, they don’t actually mean “let’s do lunch”. We say that out here like people say “How you doing?”. LA is home to the flakiest people in the world. Period.

13. Los Angeles is a smorgasbord of hot girls: every race, color, and type you can imagine lives in LA. That being said, girls are still hotter in Miami and NYC. No contest.

12. The best spot to have a drink by the pool and talk to sexy girls is still the Roosevelt Hotel. I’ve lived on and off in LA for over six years and the Roosevelt never fails. If you visit, do yourself a favor and book your stay there. You won’t regret it.

11. It’s extremely easy to fuck with the TMZ tour buses when you’re driving beside them and pull up to a stop light. Drive a drop top, have nice shades on and act like you’re covering you face. The tourists go nuts trying to take photos of you, not knowing if they’re missing a ‘Star Sighting’. Hilarity for days.

10. The traffic is mind blowingly bad and will only get worse. Accept it, don’t bitch about it and if possible, learn to drive during non-peak hours. Day: 10am-3pm. Night: 8pm-6am.

9. Everyone is an actor. Well 99.9% of people in this city carry headshots with them, but have never actually done any work. I’ve even met cops and lawyers who bust out headshots. Is what it is.

8. The best place to eat after midnight isn’t Mel’s Diner on Sunset, it’s any of the numerous scattered taco trucks around LA. Cheap, tasty and you might just catch some sexy girls there too grabbing post-bar food.

7. If you don’t own a car or motorcycle you’re fucked. It’s that simple. Public transportation here is terribly unreliable. I rode the bus years ago for a few months and would get dropped off at one stop and another bus would never show up. Imagine getting dropped off in the ghetto of Los Angeles and walking out of that? Good times.

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6. Girls are notoriously easy here. When I moved to LA, I imagined that girls would be difficult to bed, due to stories I had heard. Nope. If you have some game and you approach, you will get laid. There’s millions of people here, it’s not that hard.

5. People outside of the Valley make fun of the Valley. The irony is, some of the richest people I know live in the San Fernando valley. I lived there for a couple of years and enjoyed my stay. If you live there, hit up the Spittin’ Chicken on Ventura. Great spot to meet a sexy girl for drinks.

4. You will definitely see pornstars at CVS. (And you’ll probably fuck a girl who’s done porn, but who isn’t known). Not everyone is out here to be Jessica Alba, but instead to be Jenna Jameson.

3. The less you give a fuck about celebrities, the more they want to hang out with you. People in LA are so celeb-crazed, that when you’re chill and don’t treat them any different than a ‘normal’ person, then they eat it up. Then again, I know I’m a celeb deep down so maybe that’s why. Chuckles ensue.

2. You haven’t really partied in LA, until you’ve partied in a warehouse in South Central. When you’re not only worried about the cops busting the party up, but also about getting shot while at the party, well then you haven’t really lived.

1. The clubs, bars and lounges close at 2am and it’s the most retarded law in California and that’s saying a lot. I helped with some legislation a year ago to extend it until 4am, but unfortunately it didn’t pass.

The real secret to great LA nightlife? Having the afterparty hookups. That’s where you’ll end your night watching two naked girls do lines off each other’s ass while playing hide and seek with a giant dildo. Ah LA…

Read More: The Easiest Way To Get Laid In Los Angeles

12 Replies to “14 Cold Hard Facts About Living In Los Angeles”

  1. How is it driving from one nightspot to the next when you’ve had a few cocktails? Are there checkpoints? Are the cops strict with drinking and driving out there?

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  2. Hey Playah Partnah-
    Butsin out some of these on Miami-Nyc-Chicago-Austin-New Orleans and any other fly game cities is pimp alpha boss kind o’ shit.

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  3. For more game right yeah in LA Baby!

    How much do you need a month roughly to hang and run economically aware man game (only meet for drinks, coffee, etc.)?

    Is 5k/monthy enough to get a cheap studio and game hard on minimum expenses?

    Are there some professions that are good for game and pay surprisingly well that are unique to Los Angeles?

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  4. LA tends to live down to its reputation. I’m not a fan of the city and avoid it as much as I can. That said, some of the beach cities can be fun, and Downtown has improved a lot over the years.

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  5. Excellent and 100% on point.

    A few more things to add:
    16) Every girl here likes the exact same things: hiking, yoga and the beach. Also there is a seasonal element where they all start going on a juice diet at the exact same time. It’s surreal.

    For No. 14: “Let’s hang out soon” means absolutely nothing. It’s just a “polite” way to part ways with someone.

    For No. 10: Everyone is late, and they all blame traffic. A real man (or woman) takes responsibility for simply not leaving early enough. When you date, don’t let it slide. A casual “someone was late” to the girl with a slight smirk usually does the trick.

    For No. 5: Also check out the delicious Armenian rotisserie chicken restaurant chain “Zankou” The chicken with pita and garlic sauce is the shit.

    Finally, as McQueen says all the time, “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.” So just know if you game your ass off here and get better, the rest of the world is your oyster.

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  6. Since you spend quite a bit of time (lived even?) in Vegas any plans on writing up living in Vegas guide? Myself, I love PHX despite the summers. LV, LA & San Diego are all within easy travel and avoid a lot of the headaches that other cities come with. I do love LV though and ponder moving there but wonder if it would lose its luster after a bit.

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  7. That’s pretty badass trying to legally extend the hours. So in your opinion are the girls are hotter in NYC, but the girls in LA are easier? I always heard that girls in LA were a lot harder than NYC.

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    1. Girls in any major city are ‘easier’ in the sense that many of them move to the ‘big city’ for adventure and to pursue less traditional career routes: artist, model, actress. These creative types make for girls who tend to be sexually curious.

      LA is ‘easy’ if you have game. If you don’t, then you will suffer, but where in the Western world does a man not need game? Game is mandatory whether in LA, Idaho or Vermont. NYC is easiest due to late closing times for bars, clubs and lounges and logistics are on a man’s side.

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