The Day I Died

“What do you mean she never got on the fucking plane?”, I choked the words out to my best friend who works a fancy enough 3 letter agency job he could help me out with this not-so-public knowledge information about my girlfriend. “She never checked in. At all.” His words grew distant in my ear as my heart beat louder and louder. “I’m sorry bro”. You know that feeling. If you don’t, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. There’s no escaping it. The coldness envelops you until you wish you could fucking die right there just to release yourself from the feeling of panic and hopelessness that has grabbed you by the throat and just won’t let go.

Rewind just a week before (cue the rap song lyrics “it was all good just a week ago”), and I enjoyed the view of my girlfriend’s divine body as she tried on outfits. New Years was just around the corner. Let me tell you my friend, I fucking plan out my New Years like it’s for a White House inauguration. Everything has to be perfect. Everything. “How do I look? Do you find me beautiful Christian?” She twirled around like a ballerina outside her dressing room door and pierced my soul with those oh so beautiful smokey blue eyes of hers and a playful smile escaped her oh so perfect mouth framed by her oh so perfect pillows she called lips. “What do you think doll? What do you think?” I grabbed her by the waist and kissed her hard. Fuck those lips are perfect…can this be real? My gut kept telling me something was off, but who cares about red flags when you have a perfect Playmate sucking your cock twice a day?

I drove her to the airport as happy as a dumb fuck can be who ignores red flags being waved in his face like that stripper you just can’t get enough of who keeps flopping her jumbo jugs around your face hypnotizing you into stupid decisions and an empty money clip. Ahhh…being in love is great! I thought, but wait…what is it love or infatuation? Didn’t matter. I was under a spell and it was about to be fucking shattered.

“Listen you piece of shit, I don’t give a fuck if it’s David Fucking Beckham who reserved it you promised me that Dj table and you better fucking deliver or I’m going to cut your balls off and shove em so far down your throat you’ll be shitting them out!”. I really am nice to my ‘friends’ I swear. “Jesus dude, alright alright just chill out, but the table minimum is going up probably a stack”, my promoter ‘friend’ tried to appease me, but fucked that all up by mentioning that my New Years Eve bottle service table was going to be bumped. In the club world this means that unless you pay more for a table you already negotiated on, they’ll simply ‘bump’ you off and replace with a client who will pay the new minimum. All due to demand baby. Supply and demand at work. “Fuck it, just keep it under my name you fuck”. I didn’t care. This was New Years Eve remember? It had to be perfect. Perfect plan. Blinded.

“I love you baby. I love you so much that I know that I couldn’t even live without you in my life”, my girlfriend rocked my world with those sweet nothings the night before New Years Eve. If you’re not into referencing calendars this would make it Dec 30th. Her voice broke on the phone for a second and she started to cry. “I just want you to know how much I love you Christian and I cannot wait to see you in a few hours”. She continued to rock my world with sweet nothings. “I love you too. See you in a few hours.”. I meant it. She didn’t.

I went to the video store (yea this was when those still existed) and picked up a film off the shelf that I had seen staring back at me for years, but had never rented it. It’s called Two Lovers, starred Joaquin Phoenix who is a pretty good actor in my opinion and seemed like a decent flick to pick. I was notorious for taking at least 45 minutes when finding a film to watch, but tonight I wasn’t in the mood to dick around. Find a movie, go home, watch it and go to sleep because tomorrow was the big day. The sooner I went to sleep the sooner she would get to LA. A kid on Christmas Eve didn’t have half the expectation and excitement that I had. My girlfriend was flying in to Los Angeles to celebrate New Years with me and…move in with me. We were going to get married. Big fucking day. Big fucking plans. Big fucking red flags I continued to ignore.

I watched the movie as I stuffed my face with Kettle Corn popcorn, a bag of Sour Patch Kids and smoked 3/4 of a pack of cigarettes. Real healthy right? Didn’t care. Tomorrow was the big day and holy hell if it wasn’t after midnight so that meant she would be arriving today!

The movie struck me as odd. No happy ending at all and for Hollywood to not have a happy ending in a film that’s pretty damn unusual. In fact, and if I’m spoiling this for you, then my bad, but it is what it is, Joaquin’s character is essentially left by one of the chick’s in the film who actually had professed her love for him the night before and then stood him up when he went to meet her. Pretty fucking odd. Pretty fucking weird indeed that I would pick this film the night before my girlfriend arrived to start our life together on a whole other level. My gut kicked me gently and I felt off. Something isn’t right, I thought, but pushed it out of my mind and went to sleep.

“The person you are trying to reach cannot answer the phone right now. Please leave a message”, her voice-mail kicked in instantly as I frantically purveyed the airport searching for any sign of her while pressing my phone against my ear hard enough to leave a red mark. How come we always push the phone harder against our ears when we’re trying to hear someone like smashing our fucking ear will help us hear better? “Where the fuck is this chick?”, I said out fucking loud. People waiting in the airport gave me a odd look like, ‘This dude is losing his fucking mind, but I’m going to get the hell out of his way because he has a crazy look in his eyes’. Yes, I was stressed the fuck out. Yes, I’m sure I looked crazy. Yes, everything everything everything and all things that hit you at once when you now know something is wrong, but what can you do has hit you so incredibly hard in the gut that you are paralyzed.

“It’s fine man. Thanks for helping”. I hung up the phone. My best friend who works a fancy enough 3 letter agency job had just dished the goods to me about the not-so-public knowledge information about my girlfriend having never gotten on the motherfucking plane. I didn’t cry. I couldn’t move. ‘The fucking film is happening. The motherfucking film I rented last night and watched is literally happening. I’m living that damn movie. I’m going to fucking snap.’ My mind raced in a loop that wouldn’t stop. I turned the key in the ignition and revved the car out of the parking lot. You know how when you’re pissed and you use your accelerator to channel your rage as though the car will make a fucking statement to the universe? That’s how I drove.

I walked into my house still numb, but not numb enough that I didn’t pick up the Two Lovers DVD and smashed it against the wall. I was numb but not enough that I didn’t pick up the two pieces of the broken DVD, line them up on a table and proceeded to take a aluminum bat to them. Fuck this motherfucking movie and fuck Blockbuster fees.

I never spoke to her or saw her again.

I called her mother and found out that she recently had gotten engaged to another guy. There literally were two lovers: myself and another guy. Her mother seemed genuinely apologetic, but who gives a fuck in the moment? I cursed the day she conceived her daughter and hung up the phone.

I fell onto the carpet and started to cry. Not big tears creeping slowly down your face style, but full on coming from the gut like when you’re at a funeral and you see a relative holding onto the casket and moaning with grief. I could not breathe. I could not think. I could only feel pain. I fucking knew it. All of the red flags started to run through my head like a film reel looping and looping and looping intertwining with my moaning like a sick slide show of happy memories mixed with confusion and now tormenting me. Clockwork Orange didn’t have shit on me at this moment. “Son I need you to take a deep breath”, my Dad spoke through the phone. My Mother and him were on the verge of full on panic. Over 3,000 miles away from me they couldn’t really do a fucking thing, but try to calm me down. “It’s finished Dad. I don’t want to live anymore”.

Click.

I hung up the phone and went into my kitchen and selected a sharp chef’s knife. This should do it.

I walked into my bathroom, closed the door and sat down on the toilet with the lid down. I was numb, but not numb enough to run the blade gently across my wrist. The knife dropped from my hand. I went numb. Not just emotionally, but physically I could not move. Oh my God, I’m having a heart attack! And on New Fucking Years Eve of all days…my mind still had a sense of humor despite the very real moment I was having. I tried gasping for air because I couldn’t breathe, but my mouth wouldn’t open. It’s cliche to say, but my vision began to blur and my vision became blinded by a bright white light. I’m fucking dying. I’m fucking dying. I vaguely remember falling onto the floor and then…

“Christian! Christian man wake up!” God? Why the fuck does God sound just like my neighbor? My neighbor who I’d frequently party with and raise havoc in the neighborhood with loud parties and drunken strippers running between our houses, or ‘expressing themselves’ as they would say, was shaking my shoulders. “I’m calling an ambulance”.

The doctors all had an opinion on what happened, but one thing was mutually agreed upon by their expert opinions: I came close to Death’s door. The cause? They couldn’t put a finger on it. I knew what it was, but I’m not an expert and who will listen to the guy who the neighbor found laying on the bathroom floor with blood on his wrist and a big ass chef’s knife beside him. My opinion meant shit at that moment. It wasn’t the loss of blood that caused it, because I had lightly ran the knife across one of my wrists just enough to break the skin, but not cut an artery. I almost fucking died because my heart literally broke in that moment. That’s why. I had let a relationship get a hold of me and take control of my every being to the point that I lost sense of who I was, what I was and had the worse case of oneitis since Romeo and Juliet.

It took me a very long time until I was over her. A very long time, but I can say with purity in my heart if she knocked on my door at this very moment, I wouldn’t react with anger. I wouldn’t react with sadness. I would react with indifference. I moved on. I became better, stronger, more accomplished and most importantly, wiser. I almost feel pity for her, but not quite. If it makes any sense at all to those of you who have gone through a similar situation, I almost feel thankful that I met her, because it was the catalyst that took me from being a boy and transformed me into a man. I had to change. I had to recognize the world for what it really is, not what I fantasized it to be.

I shared this dark story about a part of my life so you know that I feel your pain. I know what it’s like to have your heart torn out of your chest and not want to live. I share it not for us to throw a big fucking pity party for ourselves, but to give you hope. I survived. You will survive and you my friend will be stronger and better for it. Those aren’t some feel good words to help you slide some rose-colored glasses back on your face for you to put your head in the sand and not see life for how it really is, but instead for you to see the truth.

It was my fault that I let myself be blinded by a relationship that should have never existed. It was my fault that I ignored red flag after red flag and continued in ignorance that almost cost me my life. It was my fault that I didn’t take the wise words of mentors far wiser than me and apply it to my life. I only hope this helps you wake up if you’re in the middle of a relationship where your gut is telling you something is off, something isn’t quite right and something has to change. Let my story serve as a warning so that you don’t have to experience the hell I went through. If even one of you wakes the fuck up now before it’s too late then I will be eternally grateful. If I made it, then you can too.

This has been an excerpt from my memoir, If These Balls Could Talk: The Hedonistic Life and Times of Christian McQueen, coming who the fuck knows when.

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72 Replies to “The Day I Died”

  1. Fantastic article Christian. I’ve had two serious relationships that I gained wisdom from. The first lesson I learned was that being a nice guy will cause a girl to walk over you. The second relationship taught me to always keep myself first when trying to build. As men we must always be focused on what we are building and not let a woman get in our way.

    Like

  2. Man Christian you straight up told my story, this happened to me about 6 months ago. Obviously the scenario was different but same outcome I’ve listened to your feature on the Knowledge For Men podcast over and over as I go through the healing process and the path to find my self again and I used to be so pissed that I didn’t pay attention to the red flags, now I’m thankful it happened because it lit a fire under my ass and fueled me to take my life to the next level. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

  3. Outstanding story man, and crazy how sometimes getting broken is what eventually makes us stronger. Issue of small red flags is so important – always trust your gut.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. OUCCHHHH! It happens to all of us but you can never be a true player til you take a hit like this. I wish there was an easier way but there’s no other way to understand a woman’s true nature til this happens-then and only then do you see their true colours. Mine was a fat ass Ugandan hottie in 2001 ,on my bday no less who pulled that shit on me!
    I didn’t get suicidal but it took me a week to recover and when I did I internalized the Golden Rule:make sure she loves YOU MORE.

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  5. Amazing story and completely relate-able.

    Not sure how long it took you to get over it, but it took me a darn long time. But you’re right, you grow stronger and I am a far better man now than I back then.

    Like

  6. Dang that story was a punch to the face. Been married 15 yrs and I can see my oneitis has screwed me royally. We are on the edge of divorce. Im giving this one last chance bc of the kids but your story made it more clear that I have to be strong or I will be screwing with multiple lives.

    Was a good dutiful wife, and then she hit 39 and took up cross fit and went nuts hanging out late at night, not telling me where she went, and the like. Finally I said screw it and started to not care and taking a lot of the advice in your blog, and things started turning around. We are not 100% there yet, she still refuses sex, but for the sake of the 15 yr marriage and the kids Im waiting a few more months. Getting my ducks in a row if I need to exit.

    This story was just what I needed. Whether at 25 or 45 or 85 oneitis will kill you like a disease. Thanks Christian, Im a church going bible believing praying and go to worship at least 2x a week kind of guy which may make us different but your blog has opened up my eyes to so much.

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  7. Thanks for sharing, I went through the same thing. I felt as if I was paralyzed, lost my job and I nearly didn’t work for a year. I recovered, it took a few years but I did it. I learned (I’m still learning) game, improved my life and now I laugh about that but it allowed me to develop a mindset where I don’t really give a F. What’s important is creating the life I know I was meant for, the girls are just there for fun never to be taken seriously.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Man, so this is the story of the transition… What a catalysts.

    As someone who has yet to be torn so much as this, I can only imagine.
    This really hit it in the gut though.

    Two things that just hit me recently:
    -Listen to you gut
    -and if it doesn’t kill yuh, it’ll only make you stronger.
    both already highlighted in here.

    Though your telling it to us like it really is, sometimes and for someone of us, it’s a challenge to internalize catastrophes such as these.

    Booked marked the article, awaiting the book.

    Like

  9. Thanks for sharing Christian. Reminds me of the year 2010 which is easily the worst year of my life. I was still a beta male at the time. I made the mistake of expressing my ‘feelings’ to the girl i was so madly in love with. She began to keep her distance, started insulting me, treated me like crap and eventually decided to stop picking up my calls or responding to my texts. Without a word, she traveled to England a few weeks later for her masters program and I never heard from her. I only knew about her journey because one of her more sympathetic friends told me. I thought my life couldn’t get any worse…

    Three months later, I lost my mother…. I was a complete wreck and was about ready to quit on life. Somehow i decided not let my personal tragedies and disappointments weigh me down.

    Four years on and I am doing just fine. I am in great shape, learned and still learning game, have dated girls several levels higher than this girl, been to four different countries and i can now speak both French and Russian confidently on an intermediate level. I also spend time on several blogs such as yours learning and constantly improving myself in any way i can.

    Interestingly enough, I got a FaceBook friend request and several messages saying how she misses me from this same girl a couple of months ago. I ignored them and about 2 weeks ago, she sent a connection request on LinkedIn. Its funny how things like this happen. You care for and show them love, they dump you and then a few years later, they come crawling back to you…..

    Bottom line here Christian is that despite what happened, you moved on with your life and as far as i can tell, you are certainly not doing bad at all. I can promise you one thing man……. and that is you will eventually run into the girl that pained you. It may be tomorrow, next month, next year or hell it maybe even when you are 59 years old but you WILL see her again and you will have the last laugh. Trust me, life and nature have a funny way of orchestrating things like this…

    Respect to you man…….. keep the great posts coming….

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  10. Great post Christian. It takes a lot to get that deep and share something so personal to your audience, but it shows how committed you are.

    I know a few guys who has just gotten off of this beaten path or are currently on it and do not know..I’ll be sure to redirect them here.

    Hope all is well,
    King

    Like

  11. Great read, something Roissy would write, your style here really sounds like his… Anyway, I cried once for a girl too and I never even fucked her, just a oneitis in High school. Hurted like hell when I got rejected, emotions out of control, a searing numbness overtook me. Cute girls in school were invisible to me, sexual come on’s and flirting were in another language that was foreign to me. I laid in bed wondering what i did wrong, hoping decipher the meaning of her pretty words, at the time, pretty lies. Depression kicked in, I was spiraling out of control thinking this was it. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to really live for.
    Then one day, at my local library, in a seething anger I wished I knew the secrets to a woman’s love but more importantly her uncontrollable lust. I typed in womanizers in the search function. One book came up, something called “The Game”. I checked it out and read the preview in the back. The term PUA was mentioned, along with seduction. The book hinted at a world that is known by few men, who had been frustrated with women and their enigmas. This book would bring me forth to people like you, Roissy, and Chase who would answer every question and doubts I had over women in the past and in my near future. It took years to find my niche in the seduction community, but as much as it pains me to say it… to write it. It wouldn’t have been opened to me if it wasn’t for that girl from my past. She was the catalyst that made me embark on this journey and my perspective of women today. I looked her up once on Facebook, for kicks, to see what had become of the “girl of my dreams”, the girl I had put up on a pedestal of perfection, virtue, and purity in my younger years. She was holding a little girl on her arms in a picture, no father in the background. Single mom. In a conversation, she replied to her friend she was still looking for her “Prince Charming”…

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  12. Thank you for sharing this, Christian.

    I was in a similar situation less than half a year ago.. minus the marriage part, and it was me who was coming back home to my girl.
    Not sure whether it changed me for better or not, as I can’t trust a woman anymore. Can’t feel as happy with a girl as I did a year ago. Something is missing.

    ‘It was the catalyst that took me from being a boy and transformed me into a man’ is golden.

    Thank you for everything you’ve written on this blog. It has massively helped me with everything.
    G

    Like

    1. Thanks G. I didn’t really get over the chick for quite awhile and not until I fucked more than 30 girls. It might take some time, but keep pushing through. You will probably never really trust a woman fully again, but you shouldn’t anyway.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, I didn’t know you actually responded. Respect, man.
        I think I got over it quite fast. Some days, very rarely, I just wonder ‘What if?’, you know?
        Again, thank you for all the wisdom.

        Like

  13. Holy fuck. Just wow. I really hope this post (and for that matter this blog) stays on for a long time. The story you told is guaranteed to turn a lot of guys’ lives around. Well done, sir.

    Oh yeah..let me know when that memoir of yours is coming out. I’d be the first to buy it.

    Like

  14. Man, this story is so real is untrue (if that makes any fucking sense). It’s like the same story has been played out thousands of times just with different actors. As you, I needed to go through it to get my shit together. It made me stronger. I still think about her every now and again. Thanks for sharing

    Like

  15. Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt message. I could feel your pain through your words. I’m sure this will help alot of gentlemen out there. Should be required high school reading.
    The timing of this isn’t coincident with Dagonet’s Current Existential Crisis is it?
    on a side note, blog formatting is looking really good! Spacing and font are awesome.
    Thanks for all you share…your writing always comes across as you giving 100%…not just some BS to get a post and some traffic.

    Like

  16. I can’t think of much to comment on because I am still in an introspective state after reading that.

    I literally said “ohhh fuck” quietly to myself a few times. I’m also trying to think of what was going through her head too. Who does that?

    I’m grateful you are better than alright now Christian and this story is going to (or has already) help a lot of us out, thank you bro.

    PS: If you were being serious about your memoir that would be a great read I’m sure.

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    1. -Erratic behavior
      -Sneaky behavior
      -Telling me she had issues and me ignoring it and thinking I could fix her
      -Seeing a past pattern of broken relationships where she left a tornado of destruction in her wake
      Shit, I could go on and on. Perhaps a future post on red flags is in order.

      Like

  17. What a gem. I could feel you like I had been there beside you bro.

    Beautiful message, trust your guts, listen to your instincts, get in touch with yourself, bring your subconscious out from the darkness of your own pits you dig.

    Like

  18. Fuck man this is spot on. Defenitely been there. The entire paragraph of almost being thankful of it, and pitying her, was what I had in mind as a reply. No need now! Awesome.

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  19. Thanks for giving us your all, man.

    I have always tended to get cases of one-motherfucking-itis. Now I sort of got my head straight. You touched on the real sad part. what seems real sad is that your romantic fantasies are just fantasies. there probably is truly nobody who will love you like you want. Realizing women are just basically wired to ruthlessly exploit you is kind of a shitty epiphany. But the upside is I just focus on myself now. that love is true. LOL.

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    1. It’s been in me in a while to tell the story, but I’m glad it’s out there finally. Loving yourself first is the key to real happiness. There are women who will love you, but never look for their love to complete you, only complement you.

      Like

  20. Many of us have been there, at least you didn’t marry her. Try adding the pain of having one pull that shit, dumping you and the kids, then later finding the porn videos of her and the guy she met on facebook. The stories guys have told me on my journey back are soul destroying..

    Like

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