How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

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You are done. D.O.N.E.

Maybe you’re sick of the annoying way that she eats her cereal.

Maybe you’re tired of her constantly ditching you to hang out with her ‘bestie’.

Maybe her ass just isn’t big enough for you, so you’re dumping her to set out on a quest for a rotund booty like Vida Guerra’s.

Maybe she’s a perfect girlfriend, but your desire for fresh poon is driving you to cast off the ball and chain and explore new vaginas.

Regardless of your reason, the result is the same: you have to dump her and you don’t know how.

Sit back, loosen your tie, slump in your chair (so your boss doesn’t spot you slacking off) and read the Playboy’s 5 Step Blueprint To Dumping Your GF.

Step 1

Grow distant. Take longer to answer her calls, respond to texts and start being late. She’ll get the hint that something is wrong and ‘the talk’ won’t surprise her quite as much. I say ‘quite’, but expect the waterworks to flow.

Step 2

Tie up loose ends. Remember your favorite Bulls cap you left at her apartment? Snatch it next time you’re at her pad. Anything of yours that you will need to get that isn’t obvious (she has your TV?!), get it back in your possession so you can make a clean break after ‘the talk’.

Step 3 

Consider the consequences. Has she shown signs of being crazy? Hell, that might be why you’re dumping her. If so, then consider the worse case scenarios and plan for them. If she’s ever shown even a slight hint of violence, or acting irrationally, then ask a 3rd party to come along with when you dump her, if you have to do it in person. If she’s acting that crazy then dump her over the phone. If it’s unavoidable to dump her without being in person, then the 3rd party can act as a witness if she gets on some bullshit and lies about you (i.e. calls the cops with lies). Even the most ‘nice’ girl can turn into a Hell’s Angel on PCP when faced with rejection. Tread lightly and be diplomatic.

Step 4

Set up ‘the talk’. Now there’s a few different ways to dump your girlfriend, but this blueprint is for you cats who want some closure and don’t want to entirely crush the girl. My personal favorite is the Slow Fade where I grow more distant and lessen the contact to the point where the girl should get the point. If she doesn’t, then I ‘take a vacation’. For life. Anyways, back to Step 4.

I highly recommend setting up ‘the talk’ somewhere semi-public. The reason for this is I have been chased down a street by a crazy chick wielding a butcher knife (like the one from American Psycho). The worst part was I didn’t have my contacts in and was essentially blind. It’s a miracle I didn’t run face first into a lamp post. Meeting in a semi-public place gives you some sense of security that she won’t act out too much with the public eye lurking like a ‘friendly’ drone in the sky. It also allows you an easy exit from her after ‘the talk’: “I only have 2 minutes left in my meter!”

Tell her you’d like to talk about some stuff (yes, keep it vague) and tell her where to meet you.

LRP_15

If looks could kill…

Step 5

You’re sitting with her and you’re ready to deliver ‘the talk’. What you say and how you say it will determine how bad she takes it. Continuing with the objective of you wanting to let her down gently, here’s a few go-to options that will let her down easy and let you move on.

“It’s not you; it’s me.” (The fail-safe break-up line)

“We’re headed in different directions and I don’t want to hold you back.” (Classic line that makes it look like you actually care, even if you don’t anymore. You might be on the same exact track, but you could always ‘change your mind’ to backup this line.)

“We want different things.” (Girls actually love to use this one. Flip the script.)

“I fell out of love with you.” (The beauty of this line is that it makes it seem like you have no control in whether you fall in love or fall out. We know this to be false and that love is a conscious choice as opposed to infatuation, however, it’s quite effective to the female mind.)

Of course you can always just tell her the truth…

“I fucked your sister and her pussy is tighter than yours. She also swallowed and you never would.”

“I love pussy more than I love you.”

“I just realized that having sex with only one girl is insanity.”

“Monogamy isn’t natural.” (I had to duck on this girl because she actually threw her plate at my head when I said it.)

“Your feet are awkward and it’s summer time. I can’t stand the sight of them in sandals. Call me when it’s cold out.”

“You have zero personality and while I didn’t care in the beginning when I was pounding your pussy like Tyson in the 5th, I can’t fuck a robot anymore. A blowup doll is more conversational.”

“Since you switched ‘careers’ to being an ‘exotic dancer’, my lust for your snatch doesn’t have quite the same appeal it once did considering you’re putting it in every Tom, Dick and Harry’s face nightly.”

And so on and so forth. BUT, I can guarantee you that it won’t be as effective and go as smoothly as the ‘soft’ rejections I wrote out for you earlier.

When dumping someone it’s hard enough for them that you’re rejecting them. Make it a little easier on them by using a generic line and exit to the left. You’ll have less guilt (if you have any) and she won’t be forever crushed and turn to meth and parking lot gang-bangs at the local Flying J in the back of a U-Haul.

Of course, if all these steps seem like too much trouble, you can always fake your death, or simply block her number depending on how dark the Triad is in you.

Last thing and mucho importante: bring tissues. They always cry.

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  One thought on “How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend

  1. 02/01/2015 at 1:49 pm

    Waitin for the article on breaking out when you live together……I’ve experienced different stages with different results and having the upper (and prepped) hand would be ideal.

    Like

  2. DK
    11/19/2014 at 8:54 pm

    Wait until she’s on her period to break up with her so she cannot claim that she is pregnant with your child in a last ditch attempt to get you to stick around.

    Like

  3. S
    11/19/2014 at 7:33 pm

    I’ve been seeing a girl for 2 months now whose great and a 7.5/10 but I’m not interested in dating her. She says it upsets her when people ask why we not dating (I ignore). Now what’s the best way to end thing in a nice way. Should I just slowly distance myself? Also since I’ve seen her a lot I’m a bit attached. What should I do?

    Like

    • 11/19/2014 at 8:29 pm

      You never committed to her so you have no obligation to ‘officially’ break up with her.

      I already covered it in the article, but I would do the Slow Fade:

      -Take a while to respond to texts/calls.
      -Don’t make any plans to hang out.
      -Make excuses when she wants to.

      Eventually she’ll get the point.

      If not, just tell her you’re not down for a relationship and she can be cool with that or walk.

      Like

      • S
        11/19/2014 at 9:21 pm

        I’ll definitely give it a go. Heading to Cape town South Africa in December so there’s my opportunity. You should try Cape town yourself. Unbelievable parties and women!

        Like

      • CoachD
        01/21/2015 at 4:21 pm

        So I have had the conversation about not wanting a relationship (several times) with a girl I’ve been dating since September. I’ve made it crystal clear I want to date around and don’t want to be exclusive. She’s said that’s fine even though I know she wants to see me everyday. Am I to understand that I can just grow distant?

        Like

    • RMPalex
      11/27/2014 at 10:23 am

      remove that slooot from your life immediately.
      No spark no park.

      Like

  4. 11/19/2014 at 6:15 pm

    I used honesty once.

    Scene: On her bed, getting weak handy.

    I see armpit hair between the crevices.

    “I’ve gotta go.”

    I get up, put my panta on and walk backwards towarsda the door.

    “Whats wrong?!”

    “I’ve gotta go.”

    :slowly closed the door:

    I said goodye to her dog. That was the worst part. He was a badass husky.

    Anyways she texts me as Im driving

    “WHATTHE FUCK”

    “Its your arm pit hair. And your vagina was kind of hairy too. I cant do it.”

    “I didn’t know you were coming over today!”

    Never texted her again lol.

    Breakups aren’t always bad. They can be fun!

    Like

  5. Anthony King
    11/19/2014 at 3:31 pm

    In regards to women living with you. You should never NEVER let a women live with you under any circumstances. If she’s living with you its because your going to marry her within 6 months or less. That’s my rule, my personal space and freedom is to important to simply give up to girl I just chose to be exclusive with. In the commandments of pussy McQueen said you should give 50% of your commitment after 2 years, or something like that. The very last thing I would recommend giving to a girlfriend is your personal space, especially if it doubles as your male only space. But if she keeps pushing you need to stand firm and say no, if she continues testing your frame then you need to re-evaluate her and determine if she’s really worth being with in the long run. A girl that constantly tests my frame presents a red flag for me because it shows she’s not entirely submissive and willing to be led.

    Like

  6. J
    11/19/2014 at 2:01 pm

    If you can’t get a third party to witness, secretly record it on voice memos on your phone. That way when she says you raped her right before dumping her you can drive up outside her house and blast the sweet sounds of her weeping back at her from your car stereo at full volume.

    Like

    • 11/19/2014 at 9:13 pm

      In some states this won’t be admitted in a trial, however, when your defense attorney plays this for the prosecutor and judge in his chambers the case will be dismissed.

      Like

  7. theboef
    11/19/2014 at 9:04 am

    What if you live with her?

    Like

    • 11/19/2014 at 9:06 am

      Escape in the middle of the night.

      Kidding. Sort of.

      I will write an article on this specific situation as well, because I’ve experienced it.

      Like

    • Mark
      11/19/2014 at 3:15 pm

      This takes some serious pre-planning which I’m sure McQueen will address in his upcoming article. It’s much easier if the place is in your name(the lease or the mortgage, whichever). Never put both your names on such a thing if you’re not married. Hell even then some would say don’t put the wifey’s name on property since odds are, you paid for it anyway. I won’t get into too much detail but logistically you need to have everything setup for the bail. I have a buddy that broke off his engagement and had to live with her for 2 months after-it’s amazing he didn’t develop a drinking/drug problem.

      Like

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