(Christian here. Today’s post is a guest post from Dave Perrotta from PostGradCasanova.com.)
Do you ever feel like there are people who “get you”, and then, there’s everybody else?
You know, people who just understand you and your lifestyle…and then the people who can’t begin to relate to you…
This is the concept of “the other”, which is now a pillar of modern-day psychology.
You see, we have a tendency to view everything in the world (including other human beings) as being either the “same” as ourselves, or “other”.
(i.e. “with us” or “against us”)
And rightfully so. This “same vs. other” concept protects us from potential threats and helps us stick with the people who understand us best and are most likely to support us.
But when it comes to seducing and connecting with women, it’s where many guys destroy their chances.
That’s because many guys are great at positioning themselves as “the other”, and not very good at showing how they are “the same”.
But in order to emotionally connect with women, you need to help women see you as the “same” as them.
When you can do that, you have a whole lot more leverage with women. That’s when you can do crazy shit like fuck a girl in the club bathroom, lead them easily, and bring any girl home on the first date.
So, the goal of this post is to 1) Help you to stop doing the things that make women view you as “the other” and 2) Move forward and build deeper connections with them.
Let’s get started…
Mistakes Guys Make When Trying to Connect
(i.e. positioning yourself “against” her instead of “with” her)
Doing Annoying Things
We’ve talked about some annoying behaviors that men do, but it’s worth recapping. Behaviors like these show that you’re not comfortable in the world of women and kill any chance of connecting…
-Get married to one conversation topic
-Not showing interest
-Not making a move
Getting Stuck In Small Talk
This is one the biggest reasons why “interview mode” doesn’t work. You talk about where she’s from, what she does for work, how old she is, etc. It’s all surface level bullshit.
Unless you dive deeper, she will never feel like she actually “knows” you. But most men don’t. Instead, they stick with common and “safe” conversation topics.
Talking Too Much About Yourself
A friend told me she went on a Tinder date the other day with a doctor. He was handsome, successful, and rich. Everything a woman wants, right?
But within an hour, she had her friend call her and give the “sick grandma excuse” so she could escape this terrible date. What happened?
The guy ranted and raved about himself, his success, and his importance. She felt like she couldn’t be herself around him, like he was constantly judging her.
He positioned himself as “the other” right from the beginning and it killed any attraction and hope for a connection.
Failing to Actively Listen
You need to show her that you’re listening – not just nodding along with a blank stare, or waiting for her to shut up so you can say what you want.
When you don’t actively listen, it makes the girl feel like you don’t understand her. In fact, she feels like you don’t even really care. In other words, you can’t relate to her, so you must be in “the other” category.
Stating Contentious Opinions
Let’s say you love to meditate.
You’re on a date with a girl, and she says, “You know what I can’t stand? People who meditate. They just sit there doing nothing and say it clears their mind. What a waste of time.”
How would you feel? Probably much less connected to her, right?
This is exactly what you want to avoid doing to her. There’s really no reason for stating contentious opinions and it only puts you at risk of ruining the connection.
How to Build Deeper Connections With Women
You need to avoid being positioned as “the other” and show that you are the same. In doing so, you’ll find it much easier to connect with women and build “chemistry” from scratch.
How do you do that? It starts by focusing on creating a bond instead of what most guys focus us (like trying to prove how cool they are).
Here’s what you’ll need to do:
Get Beyond the Superficial
You need to break out of interview mode, get past the surface level bullshit, and start diving deeper. The more she feels like she knows you, the quicker you shift from the “other” zone to the “same”.
You can do this by asking the right questions, like:
“What do you like about your job?”
“If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?”
“What are you passionate about?”
“What kind of things make you laugh the hardest?”
Notice how these questions are 1) open-ended and 2) allow her to tell you about who she is, instead of boring facts like what she does, where she’s from, etc.
Listen and Relate
When she’s telling you about herself, actively listen to her, and follow-up to her responses. Provide some sort of feedback, even if it’s as simple as repeating back what she said.
For example, if she tells you about how she loved studying abroad in Spain, you could respond with, “That’s awesome that you lived in a different country. What did you think of the Spanish culture?”
This shows that you listen and you “get it”.
Be Non-Judgmental and Focus on Commonalities
When you’re trying to connect with a girl, it’s best to avoid arguments and contention. These will put you in the “other” category faster than anything else.
If you hate 9-5 jobs and cubicles, but she works a desk job that she enjoys, it’s probably not a great idea to go on about how much you despise conventional jobs (I’ve made this mistake many times).
Instead, focus on things you can easily relate to each other on, like interests and hobbies. For example, maybe you both like to travel, read, or have a favorite Netflix show in common.
(Note: It is okay to disagree with girls without being contentious. Just avoid making it a big deal and a major part of the conversation.)
Make Strong Eye Contact
The brain sends out relationship-building chemicals like oxytocin when you make eye contact with somebody.
One study found that simple eye contact could actually make a person fall in love with you.
But a lot of times, our impulse is to look away when making strong eye contact. Instead, try to hold eye contact for a little longer than you feel comfortable. Experiment it a bit. It will make it easier for you to connect with both men and women.
When you can build an emotional connection easily, your interactions with girls will be a LOT smoother and fun. Plus, you’ll bring a lot more women home at the end of the night.
Remember the concept of “the other”, and focus on falling into the “same” category.
Read More: The Power of The Charming Smile