There she is…will she like me? Will she respond to my line? What if I look fucking dumb in front of everyone at this party? She probably won’t like me…I’m an idiot, a loser, a failure…
See that train of thought?
How quick can we as men psych ourselves the hell out when we see a stunning woman.
I know, I’ve been there.
We get so far ahead of ourselves that we turn a simple introduction into an EVENT, thus causing us to stop before we even try.
This is dangerous.
This is how virgin incels are created.
This is how the Elliot Rodgers of the world get started.
They make the approach into a damn EVENT, psych themselves out, speak NEGATIVE self-talk and sabotage themselves before they even open their mouth.
So what’s the solution?
A solution I’ve found to be very effective for not only myself, but for my clients, is this:
Look at the physical approach and opening your mouth (to say anything at all) as the VICTORY.
When you’re outcome dependent then you’re thinking too far ahead.
- Will she respond to you?
- Will she like you?
- Will she throw her drink in your face? (HIGHLY unlikely)
- Will she give you her number?
Who gives a fuck?
This isn’t about HER, it’s about YOU and overcoming approach anxiety, however you have to do it.
If you start with walking up to the hottest girl at the party and mumbling “Hi um-er I’m…nevermind” and you walk away, guess what?
You APPROACHED. You put in the effort.
Let’s say your next 30 approaches go the SAME exact way, but your voice is a little stronger, what you’re saying has a little more authority behind it and your face doesn’t get AS red…then you have 30 VICTORIES behind you.
As you continually build on your skills then eventually you’ll be okay and look back at when you struggled and LAUGH about it. Trust. But you have to put in the work, you have to approach and you have to determine in your heart that you won’t stop until you conqueror this aspect of your life.
As you start to realize with experience that nothing really bad happens when you approach hot women, then you can start thinking about the NEXT step, getting her number. I’ve already given you the formula for this here, so I won’t go into that in this post, but for any of you reading this that might really be suffering from extreme approach anxiety, then follow these 3 steps to help you overcome it.
#3. Stop Labeling It
Yes, I know I did in the title of this post, but that’s to get YOUR attention.
If you constantly go around telling everyone and YOURSELF that you have terrible approach anxiety, guess what?
You’ll have it!
If you go around saying, “You know what, yea I get a bit nervous when I see an attractive girl, but it’s all good, I’ll get over it with every approach I do”, then it won’t be amplified in your mind as much and won’t become a burden you CHOOSE to bear.
From the article Why Saying Is Believing – The Science of Self-Talk, the author Laura Starecheski elaborates on this.
My comments are in bold.
From the self-affirmations of Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live to countless videos on YouTube, saying nice things to your reflection in the mirror is a self-help trope that’s been around for decades, and seems most often aimed at women. The practice, we’re told, can help us like ourselves and our bodies more, and even make us more successful — allow us to chase our dreams!
Impressed, but skeptical, I took this self-talk idea to one of the country’s leading researchers on body image to see if it’s actually part of clinical practice.
David Sarwer is a psychologist and clinical director at the Center for Weight and Eating Disorders at the University of Pennsylvania. He says that, in fact, a mirror is one of the first tools he uses with some new patients. He stands them in front of a mirror and coaches them to use gentler, more neutral language as they evaluate their bodies.
Using a mirror when you do affirmations is key. It’s not enough to just SAY it, but you need to SEE yourself saying it. People can mock self-talk and affirmations, but the reality is the most successful people I’ve ever met do this exact technique and their ENERGY is great. It works, use it.
“Instead of saying, ‘My abdomen is disgusting and grotesque,’ ” Sarwer explains, he’ll prompt a patient to say, ” ‘My abdomen is round, my abdomen is big; it’s bigger than I’d like it to be.’ ”
The goal, he says, is to remove “negative and pejorative terms” from the patient’s self-talk. The underlying notion is that it’s not enough for a patient to lose physical weight — or gain it, as some women need to — if she doesn’t also change the way her body looks in her mind’s eye.
This may sound weird. You’re either a size 4 or a size 8, right?
Psychologists in 1911 noticed that when Victorian women who habitually wore huge, feathered hats walked through doors, they ducked — even when not wearing the hat.
Not mentally, apparently. In a 2013 study from the Netherlands, scientists watched women with anorexia walk through doorways in a lab. The women, they noticed, turned their shoulders and squeezed sideways, even when they had plenty of room.
“Their internal representation — their brain perspective on their body — is that the body is much, much bigger than, in fact, it is,” says Dr. Branch Coslett, a cognitive neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania. He says studies like this one aren’t actually new.
At least as far back as 1911, for example, the aptly named Dr. Henry Head and Dr. Gordon Morgan Holmes — two neurologists — published a series of papers exploring the body-brain connection. But they didn’t look at people with anorexia.
“They used an example of the kind of hats that were then in vogue, which were these big hats with big feathers at the top,” says Coslett. Holmes and Head noticed that when women who habitually wore the big hats walked through doors, they ducked — “even when not wearing the hat,” Coslett says.
Their mental self was wearing the hat, even if their physical self wasn’t — just as anorexic women in the Netherlands study saw themselves carrying a bigger body. Neuroscientists are still trying to understand exactly how this works.
Scientists can research this until they’re blue in the face, but here’s the truth I know from THOUSANDS of approaches: What you perceive to be true will play out in your reality. If you see yourself as terrible with approaches, then your approaches will continue to be terrible.
- Head down
- Bad eye contact
All OUTWARD reflections of NEGATIVE internal scripts you’re playing over and over again in your HEAD.
It’s clear that we all have an internal representation of our own bodies, Coslett says. We need that very specific sense of ourselves to understand how much space we take up — so we can walk and not bump into things, or perform simple tasks, like reaching out a hand and picking up a coffee cup.
Studies show that this internal sense of oneself is a powerful thing.
Research on what neurologists call motor imagery indicates that the same neurological networks are used both to imagine movement, and to actually move. And imagining a movement over and over can have the same effect on our brains as practicing it physically — as well as lead to similar improvements in performance.
What Coslett wants to understand — and he’s just starting to study this now — is how people with eating disorders get their mental image of their body so wrong, adding inches to their thighs, butts and bellies. By understanding exactly how this misperception works, he hopes to gain insight into how to bring closer to reality the mental body image of someone struggling with anorexia or bulimia — or just a poor self-image.
So far, evidence that the words you say to yourself could change the way you see yourself is still limited to the self-reports of patients; and the effect on brain physiology hasn’t yet been studied. But Coslett thinks self-talk probably does shape the physiology of perception, given that other sensory perceptions — the intensity of pain, for example, or whether a certain taste is pleasing or foul, or even what we see — can be strongly influenced by opinions, assumptions, cultural biases and blind spots.
Psychologist Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan led the work, studying the pronouns people use when they talk to themselves silently, inside their minds.
“What we find,” Kross says, “is that a subtle linguistic shift — shifting from ‘I’ to your own name — can have really powerful self-regulatory effects.”
In other words, it changes the way you feel and behave. Kross had this idea when he was driving in the car and did something “not smart,” he says — like running a red light.
“And I immediately said to myself, ‘Ethan, you idiot!’ ” he recalls.
But because he’s a psychologist, “Ethan, you idiot!” turned into, “Huh, that’s interesting. Why did I talk to myself in the third person, using my own name?” He soon noticed other people doing the same thing.
When LeBron James, for example, talked about his decision to leave Cleveland for the Miami Heat back in 2010, Koss noticed that James created distance from himself in his use of language.
“I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James,” the star athlete said, “and what LeBron James was going to do to make him happy.” Take a look:
Malala Yousafzai did the same thing in an interview with The Daily Show’s John Stewart, when she recounted (around 4:22 minutes into this clip) wrestling internally with her decision to speak out against the Taliban.
Koss decided to do an experiment to see what would happen if nonfamous people were instructed to try the same technique.
He asked volunteers to give a speech — with only five minutes of mental preparation. As they prepped, he asked some to talk to themselves and to address themselves as “I.” Others he asked to either call themselves “you,” or to use their own names as they readied their speeches.
Kross says that people who used “I” had a mental monologue that sounded something like, ” ‘Oh, my god, how am I going do this? I can’t prepare a speech in five minutes without notes. It takes days for me to prepare a speech!’ ”
People who used their own names, on the other hand, were more likely to give themselves support and advice, saying things like, “Ethan, you can do this. You’ve given a ton of speeches before.” These people sounded more rational, and less emotional — perhaps because they were able to get some distance from themselves.
I actually tried this. And I noticed, when I talked to myself using my own name, I got some visual distance, in my mind’s eye: As I talked, I actually saw myself in the room where I was sitting, from a fly-on-the-wall perspective.
Start doing your Mirror Affirmations (if you’re not doing them, then start, now. I promise you with CONSISTENT usage you will become more confident and attract more women) using YOUR NAME. Here’s some examples using the name ‘Jack’. Obviously use your own name.
“Jack is amazing with women!”
“Jack is LOVED by all women!”
“Jack LOVES to approach women!”
“Jack LOVES to talk to women!”
“Jack LOVES to flirt with women!”
The same thing happens to other people. “We’ve done studies that look at exactly that phenomenon,” says Kross. “And your experience is borne out by our data. It’s almost like you are duping yourself into thinking about you as though you were another person.”
Being an “outsider” in this way has real benefits: As LeBron James might tell you, with some distance, it’s a lot easier to be kinder to that other person.
End Source Article
#2 You Have A Backup Plan
“Ah I want to approach her, but hell, I’ll just pussy out and go swipe right on Tinder”
Don’t even lie, you know (if you use dating apps) you’ve told yourself this before.
I’ll let you in on a secret:
Using dating apps will cripple the fuck out of you from approaching in real life.
The reason they’re so popular is for two reasons:
- Millennial men are overall, beta bitch boys, so getting ‘rejected’ online is easier on their ego then getting rejected in real life
- Women love the attention they get from them
Here’s something you can do to fix this NOW:
Delete all of your dating apps for 3 months.
Do just ONE approach every day.
You’ll have done 90 fucking approaches and I guarantee you’ll never download a dating app again.
The thrill of cold approaching a girl, getting her number, or bedding her within an hour or two cannot be replicated online and according to a Twitter poll I conducted sometime ago, you all said that cold approach lays are MORE satisfying then online lays.
No shock to me.
You’ll also feel more like a man, because you’re seeing what you want and getting it, in real life. You’re not hoping the chick swipes right on you.
You’re not relying on your popular Instagram account.
Now, before everyone starts freaking out on me, I’m not 100% anti-dating apps. They can be a good supplement to your regular approach game, however, ask yourself this right now:
“If I deleted every dating app I use, would my sex life stop? If I deleted my Instagram, would I stop getting laid cuz no hoes are sliding through my DMs?
If you answered ‘yes’ to those questions, then you my friend are dependent on technology to get laid and more than likely struggle hard with cold approaching.
Delete em for 3 months. Thank me later.
#1. Your Ego Is Cockblocking You
I get it.
You’ve maybe even made your fortune already, you’re a rockstar when it comes to BUSINESS, but this women thing has you scratching your head.
Then you need to put your ego aside and realize that you’re starting at ZERO, so you have to do what newbies do: approach, approach, approach until you conquer it.
The #1 problem I’ve seen with many of my coaching clients is that they have been so successful in business that they believe most women are BENEATH them.
Listen, I understand. You’ve busted your ass, become a self-made man and now the world is at your feet, but still, women ignore you, or don’t approach YOU.
How dare they not approach you?!
- Do they not know what you’ve accomplished?
- Do they not know your net worth?
- Do they now know you have a Lambo at home?
- Do they now know that you could show them incredible lifestyle?
No. They don’t fucking know and odds are, they don’t fucking care.
They care if you know how to push their buttons emotionally to make their pussies wet and no matter how high your value MOST women will NOT approach you because they’re the PURSUED, not the PURSUER. They are the ‘prey’ and you are the hunter. Go hunt like a man.
See, women are pretty simple creatures like us.
If you find yourself thinking that you’re TOO good to approach women, then check yourself. Yea, sounds harsh, but I only deliver cold-hard truth on this blog and that’s why you’re reading it now. If you need real help, then go here and handle this shit once and for all.
Wrapping this up tighter than the Christmas presents under your tree right now, here’s everything I’ve covered in this longass article. It will help you, just apply it.
- Look at the physical approach and opening your mouth (to say anything at all) as the VICTORY. Stop getting ahead of yourself and worrying about the OUTCOME. Instead, make walking up, opening your mouth and saying ANYTHING as the VICTORY. This is a great way to remove that burden off your shoulders. As the ole’ Nike slogan says, Just Do It.
- Don’t get too intellectual about this shit. It’s not rocket science, it’s mostly application. Highly intelligent men tend to cockblock themselves by analyzing the shit out of the POSSIBLE interaction. K.I.S.S.
- Use Mirror Affirmations. Try it for 2 weeks and tell me you don’t start attracting more women, having more confidence and feeling better emotionally. Morning and night.
- Delete your damn dating apps. If you don’t approach, you don’t get sex. Talk about motivation.
- Suspend your ego. This isn’t business. No one ‘cares’, as harsh as that sounds. Women want to be led on a journey and that journey starts with you approaching them.
Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and whatever else you might celebrate!
I’ll be back next week with new posts and some updates on my new book I’m releasing soon. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve released a book and The Alpha Playboy Part 3 (exact title to be released soon) has been a passion project I’ve been working on for almost 2 years; you will not want to miss it.
Don’t forget to tune in later this evening for Episode #3 of CMQ TV. You can watch the previous episodes here (for free of course).